Father God, Rekindle my first love for you in my life. Let my first love be Jesus, above my boyfriend or girlfriend, above my family.
Who is your first love? the very person that is foremost in your life. Every waking moment you think of him or her. For Gays, very often our boyfriends are our first love. I have observed that often, our focus is on pubbing, partying, disco, making love with their BFs, watching X-Rated movies, and generally going out and having a good time. There is a noticeable difference with our 'straight' Christian counterparts in the mainstream evangelical charismatic churches who tend to have less difficulty to focus on God and be fervent for the move of God. Seldom in the Gay Christian cicles do we hear of abstaning from sex before a long term 'marriage' commitment or not being unequally yoked with an unbeliever. Is our identity being rooted first as Gays where we follow the norms of Gay culture or are we Christians that just happens to be Gay. Is Jesus, one of our many 'boy friends', one of our many lovers, that we meet for two hours every Sunday, or is He our first love where we meet daily? Selah.
Why are Gays different? so frustrating for 'straight' leaders who are Gay affirming to understand them?. In part, the rejection by the general Christian community has meant that Gays looked eslewhere for acceptance. This has resulted in Gays finding acceptance and love in being part of the crowd. Attending Gay pubs, discos, saunas, having BFs, becomes a matter of affirming our identity. People tend to bahave as how they are constantly labelled.
The community naturally focus on the gayness of a person, resulting in a very inward looking focus by the individuals concern. Seldom do we as Gays turn this around, and focus externally to God for our acceptance in reponse to their rejection. Our community labels Gays, and behind this labelling there are many unkind perceptions. But God sees a Gay person no different than a straight. God is not 'hung' up on our sexuality. It is where our heart lies that is much more important, i.e. where is our first love lies.
Fifteen years ago, I came to a point where my first love was Jesus. During this time, I spend hours daily just reading the bible and praying. My identity was in Jesus and not my sexual orientation. I was accepted in the beloved, in Jesus, and that is all that matters. When praying often I would be in the spirit, totally surrounded by the Holy Spirit, by God's presence. In one incident, I recited Psa91, not from the bible, nor from memory but by the Spirit of God. I did not realized it was Psalm 91, until a visiting pastor/prophet identified me at a youth camp, and went on to prophesy Psalm 91 over me.
The prophesy troubled me, because it talks of a time of great calamity but I will see God's hand of Salvation because I have loved Him, because He was my first love. Little did I know that for the next decade and more, I would be walking through the Valley of the shadow death, where I would be bought to my lowest point, lost everything, and have my faith and every aspect of my Christian walk and love for God challenged.
This journey of trials started when I became attached to wonderful Christian Girlfriend. Both of us were leaders in the church and we really loved each other. But mine was just "Agape" love, it was not "Eros". She loved me, but I was not able to return that love in full. After that relationship, I have had a dream in which I saw "a backbone". I prayed to God, and sensed that my Christian foundation was amiss. I then attended for many years some of the most fervent and prominent church in Singapore. I came to a point of realization that although people were so fervent for God, yet their heart was not changed. They were good people to have in any church, but deep beneath, there was no love, no mercy, no grace, only judgement. They had the best bible teachers from all over the world. They loved God with all their heart and mind. Yet something was so wrong. Is Christianity a lie? Is all these years of my faith an empty promise?. How come the bible does not change people, but instead made them worst!. The more fervent people is for God, the more 'on', the more self righteous they became.
I came to a point of rest in my life. I sensed that God is saying - just rest, and in your rest, I will teach you and show you my ways. He led me to a different church, where I could just rest and sit at Jesus's feet. No more serving God. Just resting, listening, and being loved. The revelation dawn upon me that it is not my love for God, my fervency to serve God which matters or results in change, but it is my understanding and openess to receive God's love without it being deserving that causes me to love others naturally. Service to God will come naturally. It is much harder for man to rest and receive rather than to work.
(1 John 4:19) We love because He first loved us.
The Law demands that "we love God, with all our hearts, soul and mind", but Jesus requires us to sit at his feet, to receive His love. The Old testament was about man trying but failing to reach God, but after the cross, it was God who gaved and we to receive. Our Carnal approach is to reach God by our effort. It takes humility and undrstanding of God's heart to receive instad of giving. We reach a point of Grace when we know we have nothing to offer, nothing to boast, but Jesus working in our lives. It is of Grace, when we begin to understand that what we get, is not because of our love for God (as in the Old testament), rather because God is a good God.
After 15 years of sojourn, I came back to the point of my first love where I started at Jesus feet. Previously, I could boast my great love for God, and my faith in spite of all temptations, what I have achieved for God, and my deep understanding of the bible. But now, I bring nothing before God except an Open heart, and arms wide open, saying, Lord nothing matters anymore except your love for me, Jesus, my first and foremost lover.
Rekindle your first love in my heart
You've never changed
Father God, rekindle your love for me in my heart, that Jesus may be my first love. I never intended to depart from trusting you, but I did not understand that just because You are my Father, and I am your child I am accepted. I need not do anything more. You accepted me, just as I am, not because of what I have done or will do for your kingdom, but just as I am. Father God, you never changed and you never will despite how far I have gone from You, You remained there, waiting for me each morning waiting for me to return, to be my lover. I open my heart to embrace your will in my life to be a blessing for the Gay Christians in Singapore. I love you and I trust you because you first loved me. Revive me O Lord and be my First love.