Doubt - but don't stop seeking God


With all the negative statements on Gays by Christian Churches in Singapore, doubt can come in many a times in our relatiohsip with God. It is a doubt often unspoken, whether God still accepts us even if we are Gays. It limits us from a deeper walk with God.

Doubt is not necessarily bad because if we are sincere, Jesus will answer our doubts, and move us into greater understanding of our faith. In seeking, God will answer us because God loves us so much. But seek we must.

(Mat 7:7 NKJV) "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.

(Mat 7:8 NKJV) "For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.

(Mat 7:11 NKJV) "If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!

Gay Christians have many doubts. Not only the normal doubts linger, but in addition, there are doubts related to why God created us as Gays, would God accept us as who we are, would God condem us for being Gay, can we walk in greater dimension of Christian faith and trust even though we are gays?. the constant homophobic comments by the Christian Church only adds to our doubts.

I will not attempt to answer the questions raised, for it is by our journey of searching and receiving revelations from God, that our relationship with God and our understanding of scriptures grows. In a way, no one can walk the walk with God for another person. It is a personal journey for God is a personel God who calls us uniquely by our name. But we must never forget that God loves us very much and accepts us as Gays. Out of this firm foundation, we must walk into greater depths of revelation through the Holy Spirit.

In the bible, Thomas is quoted frequently as doubting Thomas.

(John 20:24 NKJV) Now Thomas, called the Twin, one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came.
(John 20:25 NKJV) The other disciples therefore said to him, "We have seen the Lord." So he said to them, "Unless I see in His hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe."

For Singaporeans so known to conformity, and following orders and not questioning, this must be the ultimate - questioning God Himself. But by doubting, Thomas sought, and received much greater understanding. If we as Christians never question, sooner or later, we will believe what others say as 'Gospel', not questioning the scriptural basis or context, and accepting as blind faith what is at best a hypothesis only concerning the beliefs on gays held by much of the Singaporean Church. Back to Thomas ....

a. Firstly, Can we blame Thomas? Consider that all the other disciples have seen 'proof' they needed. Peter have rushed to the tomb to see it empty.

b. Out of doubt can come much deeper revelation. In Thomas case He went into a deeper dimension of faith - (John 20:28 NKJV) And Thomas answered and said to Him, "My Lord and my God!". He realized that Jesus has risen. He is now His Master and he a servant because Jesus paid for His sins at the Cross. He now became a slave as He is bought by blood. Thomas also realized Jesus is God. For only God who is all powerful can rise from the death, and only God who is perfect can pay the price for his sins.

c. Prior, Out of doubt Thomas asked the most poignant question, and Jesus answered to His doubt giving us the foundational truth as never before that in Jesus is the way to salvation - not religion. Jesus equates to God. There is no other way. John 14:5 NKJV) Thomas said to Him, "Lord, we do not know where You are going, and how can we know the way?" (John 14:6 NKJV) Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. Therefore, when in John 20:28, Thomas said "my God", it completes His understanding that Jesus is God, in the very same manner as God the Father which the Jews have based their faith upon.

In my life, I became a Christian when I was 11. It was not that somebody preached to me, rather I have had to answer a nagging question of doubt in my mind, "Who is Jesus? Did He exist? and If He did, and He did what He said He did i.e. died for me, What then would be my response?." I was in deep tought in my one hour long shower, in the midst of a large raging thunderstom when suddenly the lights went out (due to a power failure). Being a boy of 12 and very afraid of darkness, I was all alone, naked, in darkness, with water coming upon my head. I prayed to God, asking Him whether He could show me that He is real for I could not but help ponder on the name of Jesus. I asked to God to 'turn on' the light and so as it may not be a matter of coincidence, to turn it on at my command. Then ... One, Two, Three, ... Now ... the lights turned own, Jesus was the light, and the stong presence of God filled the bathroom as if Jesus was there. I could no longer remain standing. The Glory of His presence was too much. I was bowing down. For a moment of eternity, I felt Jesus was there in front of me. I proclaimed " Jesus, my Lord and my Saviour" just as Thomas did when He saw Jesus as who He really is. I asked for forgivesness for my sins.

It was doubt that has propelled my Christian walk and have made me seek after God and searched deep into His scriptures. I normally felt uncomfortable with the preaching in my Church - I do not doubt the content, but rather I doubt whether there is more and that the scriptures mean something else than is actually preached. I regularly felt that there is much more and I yearned to know God more. What was given seldom was fulfilling - and only tasted like the entree and not the main course.

In summary, as Gay Christians, we are naturally subject to much more reasons to doubt about the goodness of God, and the validity of the bible. God is not asking us not to doubt, but to seek Him for the answers. For Jesus Christ will wipe away our tears and show us the way. There is no doubt that He loves us,





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